Christmas Stuffing

Every Christmas for years and years, Dian and I have been going on a diet just before the holidays. This year we have decided to throw the whole thing in the trash, pig-out with a vengeance and let it all hang out.

Let me back up just a bit and qualify myself before I continue.
As we get older, we tend to round out a bit, especially around the middle. I used to think that this was caused by a combination of old age and overeating. How wrong I’ve been!! I was watching the news last week, you know the small “L” liberal news that we are growing accustomed to, when a small snippet from the “what the heck” file caught my attention. It was a report stating that scientists have added one second to the atomic clock. The reason given was that the earth is slowing down ever so slightly and the second needed to be added to make up for the time lost by the slowdown.

You may well ask what the connection to that spare tire around my middle this might have. It’s quite simple really, it’s a matter of basic physics. The earth is a large magnet. This is what keeps us from falling off the bottom of it. However, this magnet is very strong and if it wasn’t for the fact that the earth spins creating a centrifugal force, we would probably be crushed by the gravitational pull. So... this means that all things being equal, as long as everything stays the same, we stay the same.

That said, with this slowdown, the delicate balance between centrifugal force and the constant pull of the earth’s gravity has been upset creating a slightly stronger gravitational pull. This increase in gravitational pull is what I know for certain, is what is causing this large swollen area around my middle. As a matter of fact, this explains the pot belly a lot better than the two extra helpings of fried chicken the other night, it also accounts for the wrinkles and the triple chins that are starting to fight for position around my ever growing neck.

As the loose skin, which starts to occur after one reaches the age of fifty, is pulled downward by the greater force it causes that loose skin to gather in the oddest places. Areas such as the neck, knees and the backs of your arms are the natural collection area for this access of loose skin.
This effect is especially noticeable when one sits, as more pressure is now being put on one’s posterior regions causing a noticeably embarrassing spread.

This self-same force is also to blame for a lot of other complaints of our aging population. Increased blood pressure, increased cholesterol levels, loss of hair because hair is not able to over come the increased gravitational pull. It also accounts for sore feet, aching backs, creaky knees and hips.

So there, I have given all of you the excuses you need to be able to pig-out this Yule-Tide without having to worry yourselves about silly stuff like trans-fats, cholesterol and sugar levels. Now you can just have that extra chocolate, that extra piece of pie, that extra helping of turkey and gravy. It’s not your fault. By the way, this also covers having that one drink too many, after all, with all that extra gravitational pull, when you fall down that increase in weight will keep you safely on the floor.

Merry Christmas everyone!! And have a great New Years. And God Bless. Stay tuned for more baloney in the new year.
Ted Okkerse